set yourself free xox
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Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
s
oc
i
a
l
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
me opening up to someone
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*