I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.