BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You Might Also Like
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”