Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.