Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you