A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
It’s actually Dr. whatever