Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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My birthstone is kidney
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell