The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
necessity is the mother of invention
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.