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HIM: I鈥檓 not crying, you鈥檙e crying
ME: we鈥檙e all crying, this is a funeral
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there鈥檚 no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I鈥檓 sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I鈥檝e snogged patio doors.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I鈥檓 sick, not dead.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven鈥檛 even bothered to learn your name.