Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.