I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me