The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
DOOO EEEET
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
spicy snake
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.