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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*