Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet