Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Never ghost your hitman.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.