I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Mountain Goat : )
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.