Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*