Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.