The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.