run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
@funTweeters
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.