I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*