“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
had to share :’)
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?