My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”