I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Legend 🤣🤣
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.