“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
it be like that
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss