[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.