I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
wtf is a larm clock?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.