With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
All is fair in drunk and war.