The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The cashier just checked me out.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing