Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: