Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.