Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.