Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought