T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Room with a view.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy