establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew