If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
meanwhile over on facebook
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Meanwhile in Portland…
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*