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“i miss shittin on people”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.