Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
True.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”