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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
PLEASE READ
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My circle of trust is a meatball
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.