No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*