My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that