People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees