♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
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I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I would like even faster food.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss