*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[eulogy]
line?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.