Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins