I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
me logging onto twitter
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.