Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I didn’t realize that was an option
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.