I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.