4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Ferrari squats
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
SCARY COSTUME
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.