Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.